


Hewwo, Hewwo Again

by Java_bean



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, First Meetings, Gen, Humanstuck, but I figured since I used 0 troll words I guess it is, in fact it is bordering on silly, it's not explicitly stated, this is not serious at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-07-07
Packaged: 2020-06-23 19:57:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19708342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Java_bean/pseuds/Java_bean
Summary: “Dave.  Order.”Oh god what the fuck is he gonna order.   Something needlessly complicated and oversweetened?  Something not even on the menu like some sort of asshat?You take a deep breath through your nose to calm the apprehension brewing in your stomach.“Fine. Hewwo, I wouwd wike,” he glances up at the menu, “a white mowocha.”Oh a white mowocha that’s not too ba-wait a minute why the hell is he talking like that.(Dave and Karkat meet in a coffee shop for the first time and Dave uses owo speak exluwusively)





	Hewwo, Hewwo Again

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nomisupernova](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nomisupernova/gifts).



> KISHI HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! 
> 
> I wrote this fic for my friend Kishi's birthday, they are a wonderful, sweet, and hilarious person whom I love (and whose writing I'm a little jealous of please check out their fics) ;) ;)
> 
> Anyway here is a silly fic about Dave and Karkat meeting up for the first time under very weird and kinda crackfic adjacent circumstances. I hope you like it!!

“So, do you think you’re going to come?” Kanaya asks.

You’re jarred out of your focus cleaning the espresso machine. “Sorry, what the fuck were you saying? I wasn’t paying attention.”

She rolls her eyes at you. “I asked if you were going to come to Rose’s party, to celebrate her book getting published.”

“I don’t know, probably not.” You shrug. “You’re the only other person I’d know there.”

“As if you’ve ever been opposed to socializing.” She snorts.

“I am opposed to socializing. Both in general and especially after a shift at this shitshack.” You guess you’re done cleaning this now. 

“Okay, fine. I do think you would have fun and you should at least go to show Rose her support as her editor. Of course, I’m just your friend and her girlfriend so I can’t force you to go. However, I will bring it up throughout the day and perhaps manage to wear you down with my persistence.”

“Go ahead and try, but we both know my stubbornness outweighs your ability to annoy me with repetition.” 

The bell above the door jingles. 

Speak of the devil.

“Karkat,” Rose walks in, pushing a pair of sunglasses out of her face and into her hair as a makeshift headband. She leans against the counter, “I hope you remembered that my party is today. I expect to see you there.”

“Well, as I was just telling Kanaya, you’re going to be sorely disappointed because I’m not fucking going. Can I get you anything?”

“You at my party.”

“No.”

“Chai tea.”

“Fine.”

You leave Rose and Kanaya alone as you get to work on her drink. They start chatting, most likely about the party and Rose’s plans for the launch of her first novel. You really are excited for her about this. It’s amazing! You couldn’t be more ecstatic! You’ve read the book and you know it’s great and you’ll support her in any way you can.

You just don’t really want to go to a party tonight. You’re going to be so tired by the end of your shift, you can already feel it in your bones. 

The bell above the door jingles once again. Out of the corner of your eye, you watch this person. You only meant to glance.

But you can’t stop looking.

At first you can’t help but think he’s not...bad looking. Not at all. His face looks...soft. Kinda round. His nose is long and roman. 

Speaking of long...god he’s got legs for fucking days. What the fuck, no one needs that much. Did he swallow his twin’s height genes in the womb? You’re actually kind of pissed off about him being so tall. 

Fuck this guy and his long hot legs. 

Your eyes wander back up towards his face so you can glare at him.

And fuck this guy’s face, too. No stranger should look that striking first thing in the god damn morning. 

He takes his stupid long legs and nice face over to the counter, right behind Rose. She moves to the left, still chatting with Kanaya as she moves. 

At first you think she moves to let this stranger make his order. But then you hear them start to talk to each other. You can’t tell what they’re saying but you know that there’s a new voice thrown in to the conversation.

The best course of action to figure out what’s going on is to continue to do your job. Time to bring Rose her drink and interrupt.

“Rose.” You grab her attention and put her drink down on the counter. “Here.”

“Thank you, Karkat.” She picks up her drink and blows away some of the steam. “Are you sure you won’t come to my party? This is the last time I’ll ask.” 

“No, I’m not going.” You’ll admit, you’re getting annoyed by this already. “Does your friend want anything?”

“I don’t know.” She grins and turns to the stranger. “Do you want anything, Dave?”

Ah, so his name is Dave. 

He shrugs.

“I believe that’s a yes.” Why does she sound so ecstatic about this? “Go ahead, Dave. Why don’t you order something?”

He sighs. “Sometimes you’re the worst, do you know that?”

“Dave. Order.”

Oh god what the fuck is he gonna order. Something needlessly complicated and oversweetened? Something not even on the menu like some sort of asshat? 

You take a deep breath through your nose to calm the apprehension brewing in your stomach.

“Fine. Hewwo, I wouwd wike,” he glances up at the menu, “a white mowocha.”

Oh a white mowocha that’s not too ba-

wait a minute why the hell is he talking like that.

“Sorry could you repeat that for me, I think I may have experience the slightest aneurysm just now.” 

“I said I wouwd wike a white mowocha.” He repeats. “And can I awso get a couple extwa pumps of cawamel in it pwease?”

“Okay, sure, fine. Is that all?” 

“Do youwu have bagews and can they be toasted?”

“Yes. Did you want one?” You’re trying so hard to stay civil. You’re at work you can’t blow up on a customer for acting like a jackass.

“Evewything with extwa cweam cheese if youwu dowon’t mind.”

You can hear every blood vessel in your brain start to pop. You want to strangle him to death a little bit. Or at least until he can’t use his vocal cords anymore because fuck knows he’s abusing them with this uwu shit. 

“Is this for here or are you leaving? Please say that you’re leaving because if I have to listen for another minute my brain will explode on your asshole face.”

“Wow,” he snorts, “ruwude much?”

“I may be rude but you’re the idiot using owo speak in public as if that’s anything close to okay for you to do. If I had the authority I would’ve dragged your dumb ass out of here the moment you opened your mouth and shat this bullshit onto my countertop. So given that you’re still standing here with a douchey grin on your face I’d say I’m being nothing short of completely fucking civil.”

“It’s to gowo.”

“Thank you, I’ll get started right away on that. White mocha with two extra pumps of caramel and a toasted everything bagel with extra cream cheese, right?” 

He nods. 

“Alright. Don’t talk anymore at all or I’ll dump it on your crunchy hair.”

The stupid smile slides off his face and a hand goes up to touch his definitely product filled hair. He turns to Rose.

“Wose is it weally that cwunchy looking?”

“Yes. Are you really shocked by that, considering you get all your hair styling advice from Dirk?”

“Faiw enough.”

Rose, Kanaya, and the bastard owo man continue to talk about whatever. At this point you don’t give a shit. The only reason you were listening in the first place was because you’ll admit, you were interested in what a mildly attractive guy like that had to say. Now that he’s said some epically stupid shit you no longer find him hot.

The bagel is done in the oven right around the time you finish making his drink. Since it’s to go you get to write his name on it, despite the fact that he’s the only one here other than Rose. But that’s the policy so you have to.

You pull the cap off of your sharpie with your teeth. Out of the corner of your eye, you see Dave move. Your head turns of its own accord. 

You accidentally make eye contact with him. Dave smirks at your and waves.

“Twy not to spell my name wrong on thewe.” He says. “Name’s Dave if you didn’t knowo.”

“Oh, I know.” You reply. “And I told you not to talk anymore.”

You’re not writing his name on here. Instead you quickly scribble DOUWUCHEBAG across the cup. 

You drop the bagel and the drink in front of him. “Here you go, now fuck off and leave.”

“Thank youwu.” 

He picks up the drink, and for a second you think he’s going to walk out without looking at it. That would be a little disappointing if he did. But then he decides to blow on it and he snorts.

“Hey, what’s youw name?” 

You’re shocked by the sudden question. Did you go too far with this? Is he going to ask to talk to your manager because you’ve definitely been a little ruder than you’d usually be with a customer. Obviously you were only doing that because he clearly knows Rose and she’s a friend of yours so you didn’t think it would be an issue. Fuck. Should you start looking for a new job? 

“Karkat.”

“You’we a fun dude, Kawkat.” He pulls out his wallet and takes out some crumpled up dollar bills. “Hewe’s a tip. Don’t shawe with Kanaya.”

“Wow,” Kanaya says as you accept the money, “now who’s being fucking ruwude.”

He shrugs. “Youwu knowo me, Kan, I pway favowoites.”

“Thank you?” You appreciate the cash, but you also still want him to leave. 

Rose must be able to read your mood. “Well, Dave and I have a lot of things we need to do today, so we’ll be taking our leave now. Good bye, Kanaya. Karkat.”

“Bye.” Kanaya waves to them as you drop the money onto the counter and try to unwrinkle it well enough to actually figure out how much there is.

You count it. 

You count it again just to make sure.

“Holy shit, Kanaya!” You start shoving the bills into your pocket. “He gave me twelve dollars!”

“Congratulations. Maybe you should be a shithead to the customers more often.”

“Wow, harsh. Honestly? With the amount of brainless fucks we get in here I’m really tempted to.”

“And you should, I fully support that decision.” Kanaya nods. “You know what else you should do?”

“What?” 

“Go to Rose’s party.”

“I already told you, I’m not doing that. And it doesn’t matter how many times you ask me, I’m not changing my mind. I don’t want to go to her fucking party.”

You’re at Rose’s fucking party. It’s...not as bad as you were expecting. You know pretty much everyone here so you don’t have to pretend to be civil. The music is mostly in the background, thank fuck you and Rose are on the same page about that sort of thing. If it was much louder than this you would be expected to dance, and that’s the absolute last thing you want to do after getting off of work.

The party is at her house, confined to the living room and the kitchen. Not a large area for a party, but big enough that you can avoid people while still looking like you’re mingling. 

Your original plan was to stick close to Kanaya and just bitch the whole time, but she abandoned you the moment she spotted Rose. Like hell you’re going to spend more time than necessary beside the party’s host. Yeah, no fucking thanks.

So instead you decide to head towards the kitchen. There are a few other guests who seemed to have the same thought process you did. You ignore them and head towards the food so you can snack the night away. 

The punch bowl is the least populated area, so obviously that’s where you’re going to be spending the evening. The punch itself is...less appealing looking than you expected. Clearly Rose made it herself.

You’re a little nervous to try it but honestly, there’s no way it could be that bad. You pick up a cup and dunk the ladle into it.

It bubbles. Something green floats up out of the purple punch. 

Oh that looks terrible.

“What the fuck?” You mumble to yourself as you continue to stir the punch around with the ladle. 

“Yeah, Rose made that.” Someone behind you says, causing you to jump in surprise. “It’s grape kool-aid, sprite, and sherbert. Plus some apple juice that I spiked it with. I promise it’s not terrible.”

“First of all, it’s sherbet, you fucking ignoramous. Secondly, this still sounds like some kind of corn syrup fruit nightmare. I don’t know you, so I’m not taking your shittastic suggestion of drinking it.” You pick up the ladle and pour some into the cup. “You, however, can feel free to slurp this carbonated cough medicine right down.”

You turn to push the cup at the guy, but you almost drop it when you actually see him. “Douwuchebag? What the fuck are you doing here?”

“At my sister’s party?” He scoffs, taking the cup out of your hand. “Honestly? I’m crashing it. Don’t tell Rose, though. What about you, angry guy from my sister’s favorite coffee shop?”

“Jesus, did you already forget what my name is?” 

“Forgive me for not remembering the name of the guy who yelled at me this morning.” He shrugs, taking a sip of the punch. “I have been yelled at by several other people since then, so you didn’t make too much of an impression.”

“My name’s Karkat, you should remember that.” You reply, going back to stirring the punch around. A few more bits of colorful sherbet float to the surface. “Or don’t, because I don’t give a shit about you or if you remember me because I doubt we’ll have the dspleasure of meeting for a third time. While I’m on the subject of you being unpleasant, why aren’t you uwuing anymore? I’m not complaining about the lack of uwu since I’m actually lactowose intolerant, but I’d like to know why you aren’t grind down my last braincell against a rock now.”

“Imma be real with you, chief, I was only doing that because I lost a bet with Rose. I told her that if she ever got a book published then I would do whatever embarrassing thing she wanted. Turned out she wanted me to uwu until the party began. So uh...the curse has been lifted now.” He shrugs again and holds his cup out to you. “Cheers, I guess?”

“Yeah,” you snort, filling up a cup and clinking it against Dave’s, “I guess.”

“Or should I say cheews?”

“Do that and we’ll never speak again.” You cautiously take a sip of the too bright looking purple punch. It’s not horrible and probably won’t kill you. “Thank you for the tip, by the way.”

“About the punch not being poison? Don’t mention it.” He gives you a half smile. 

Shit, now that he’s not doing the uwu anymore he’s back to being kinda hot again. How dare he do that despite the fact he’s still wearing sunglasses that are too big for his face inside a fucking house.

“I should probably introduce ourselves for real this time, huh?” He says.

You don’t need to be reintroduced to him. You remember his name. It’s not like you can say that, though. “As I’ve already said, my name is Karkat. Do you have a fucking goldfish for a brain? Because your memory capacity is leading me to that conclusion. Either that or you’re a giant moron.”

“My name is Dave, I’m Rose’s brother as well as being a multifaceted being.” Dave sticks out his free hand to you. “I can be both things.”

You almost laugh at that, but you manage to bite it back into just a grin. You take his hand. “Nice to meet you, Dave.”

“And you too, Karkat.” He nods. “Hewwo again.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this fic!! 
> 
> If you're Kishi happy birthday again!
> 
> If you're not Kishi and it's your birthday then happy birthday! I hope you had fun reading this <3


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